Dispatch sent by Colonel Id Gaf
(he would be a General but has been told he is not “serious enough” and “doesn’t smoke a pipe”; while the first is true, he does smoke a pipe, it’s just not a corncob one and it doesn’t contain regulation tobacco.)
It’s a relatively quiet day for the Nashville Boys. They are, however, having an intense training exercise this afternoon in preparation for their next battle, planned for Friday, under the tutelage of Major Tom King and Colonel Brown-Klink, faithful lieutenants to General Corby, aka, the GGOAT. Drills primarily center around how to throw grenades properly and hit bullets and other projectiles coming at you with only a stick.
Meanwhile, General-of-the-Army Corby is secreted somewhere on the Cumberland Plateau planning his strategy. Surrounded by the soothing sounds of billions of serenading cicadas, his tent is somewhere near Wartburg-upon-Brushy Mountain, ancestral home of world famous wordsmith Alex Turbegov. It’s his home because some of his ancestors during WWII lived in one of numerous POW camps close by and also because other ancestors used to live at Brushy Mountain, usually for 20-30 year stretches, maybe 10 with good behavior. One of those relatives even shared a cell with James Earl Ruby, suspected assassin of not-yet-born President John Kennedy and not-yet-born civil rights icon Martin Luther.
Corby sent out early this morning a squad of advance scouts who will go all the way to Knoxville to view video tapes of when the East Tennessee boys skirmished against a rag-tag band of thugs early in the spring at Lindsay-Riley Nelson field. The ET (east, state of Tennessee boys united in action) from near the Virginia state line escaped that encounter by using several cannon balls that directly struck Lt. Tony “The Snake” Vitriol’s volunteer brigade. “Poor training and lack of discipline,” said Vitriol at the time, “I take no responsibility for what happened.”
As for Gen. Corby, there is, as always, a method to his seeming madness. Armed with the vital information he expects to receive back from the advance scouts, led by the World’s Strongest Man, Sgt. Joe Balooka. Balooka was thought to be in Gen. Corby’s bad graces due to his former attacks on Corby’s performance; that was quickly dispelled, however, as Corby now says, ‘Joe’s my boy!” (We have not been able to confirm this and, therefore, it may not be true.)
Gen. Corby is expected to return to Hawkins Meadow in west Nashville by Thursday after he puts the finishing touches to his plans for Friday’s attack. Meanwhile, he will sit down to a delicious meal this evening of cicada pie, chocolate covered cicadas, roasted cicadas, and cicada ala mode ice cream. It will all be washed down with some good ole Cumberland Plateau gut-rot moonshine whiskey. This, by the way, will also be provided by some of Alex Turgebov’s relatives, the ones the feds never could catch.
(he would be a General but has been told he is not “serious enough” and “doesn’t smoke a pipe”; while the first is true, he does smoke a pipe, it’s just not a corncob one and it doesn’t contain regulation tobacco.)
It’s a relatively quiet day for the Nashville Boys. They are, however, having an intense training exercise this afternoon in preparation for their next battle, planned for Friday, under the tutelage of Major Tom King and Colonel Brown-Klink, faithful lieutenants to General Corby, aka, the GGOAT. Drills primarily center around how to throw grenades properly and hit bullets and other projectiles coming at you with only a stick.
Meanwhile, General-of-the-Army Corby is secreted somewhere on the Cumberland Plateau planning his strategy. Surrounded by the soothing sounds of billions of serenading cicadas, his tent is somewhere near Wartburg-upon-Brushy Mountain, ancestral home of world famous wordsmith Alex Turbegov. It’s his home because some of his ancestors during WWII lived in one of numerous POW camps close by and also because other ancestors used to live at Brushy Mountain, usually for 20-30 year stretches, maybe 10 with good behavior. One of those relatives even shared a cell with James Earl Ruby, suspected assassin of not-yet-born President John Kennedy and not-yet-born civil rights icon Martin Luther.
Corby sent out early this morning a squad of advance scouts who will go all the way to Knoxville to view video tapes of when the East Tennessee boys skirmished against a rag-tag band of thugs early in the spring at Lindsay-Riley Nelson field. The ET (east, state of Tennessee boys united in action) from near the Virginia state line escaped that encounter by using several cannon balls that directly struck Lt. Tony “The Snake” Vitriol’s volunteer brigade. “Poor training and lack of discipline,” said Vitriol at the time, “I take no responsibility for what happened.”
As for Gen. Corby, there is, as always, a method to his seeming madness. Armed with the vital information he expects to receive back from the advance scouts, led by the World’s Strongest Man, Sgt. Joe Balooka. Balooka was thought to be in Gen. Corby’s bad graces due to his former attacks on Corby’s performance; that was quickly dispelled, however, as Corby now says, ‘Joe’s my boy!” (We have not been able to confirm this and, therefore, it may not be true.)
Gen. Corby is expected to return to Hawkins Meadow in west Nashville by Thursday after he puts the finishing touches to his plans for Friday’s attack. Meanwhile, he will sit down to a delicious meal this evening of cicada pie, chocolate covered cicadas, roasted cicadas, and cicada ala mode ice cream. It will all be washed down with some good ole Cumberland Plateau gut-rot moonshine whiskey. This, by the way, will also be provided by some of Alex Turgebov’s relatives, the ones the feds never could catch.
