I’ve had a hard time coming up with anything to say about this series so I asked my good friend, a big UT fan, to write it for me. This is what he came up with.
“Hi, my name is Fuller Crappe. I am a VFL. That means Very Fine Looking.
All us UT fans are so excited that we keep having to change our britches. We know that baseball is the most important college sport. Who cares about football? Heck, our last coach cheated to high heaven and still only won 3 games! How is that even possible? We still pay 4 different coaches to not coach and it hasn’t worked so why pay them anything to start with? Simple common sense.
My good friend, Junior, asked me to tell you how us yokels in Knoxville are thinking about the baseball series this weekend. Junior is really smart to do this. He said he couldn’t think of nothin’ and kindly asked me to help. I am glad to do that. Junior is so smart that I don’t really understand much of what he says. Heck, I don’t even know what the word ‘satire’ means. Nobody I know does neither. But being smart ain’t nothin’. What’s important is wearing overalls, no shoes, playing a banjo, and drinkin’ moonshine – that takes real skill to pull that off without being laughed at.
Our boys are really good this year. Coach Tony is like a God to us. Back when that fat guy was our coach we weren’t worth a warm bucket of spit.
Our pitchers are really good. So are our hitters. We steal a lot of bases, move runners over, and really, really, really take advantage of walks and errors by the other team. We are a scrappy bunch.
If you walk us, we will score. If you hit us with the ball, we will squeal like a stuck pig and then score. If you bobble the ball we will make you pay for it. This is why we are the number one team in the country.
We all like Coach Tony ‘cause he is hot, hot, hot. He’s got that beard that looks like you half-way shave every morning. Our students love that especially since most of them are sissified and don’t even shave yet. Most of our big fans never shave.
Vanderbilt is our little brother. That means we bully him, hit him, sit on top of him and tease him, and just make his life miserable. We have been doing this like forever. We don't like polo shirts or deck shoes and we never drink cocktails. They have about 100 total fans. We have 100 million. Our football stadium is huge! We won the national championship in football recently! Orange is way better than black. It’s cheaper, too, cause we just bring home the clothes we wore last time we were doing road work. That saves a lot of money which is good given that most of us are unemployed.
Vandy is just a bunch of punks. They cheat by giving every one of their players a free ride. We don’t cheat except in basketball and football but we do give every baseball player something to ride. That ain’t cheatin’ – that’s just bein’ smart.
We don’t worry about Kumar or Leiter. They are just lucky. Y’all haven’t really played anybody good but we have. We beat LSU in all three games!
Vanderbilt will not even come close to winning a single game this weekend.”
“Hi, my name is Fuller Crappe. I am a VFL. That means Very Fine Looking.
All us UT fans are so excited that we keep having to change our britches. We know that baseball is the most important college sport. Who cares about football? Heck, our last coach cheated to high heaven and still only won 3 games! How is that even possible? We still pay 4 different coaches to not coach and it hasn’t worked so why pay them anything to start with? Simple common sense.
My good friend, Junior, asked me to tell you how us yokels in Knoxville are thinking about the baseball series this weekend. Junior is really smart to do this. He said he couldn’t think of nothin’ and kindly asked me to help. I am glad to do that. Junior is so smart that I don’t really understand much of what he says. Heck, I don’t even know what the word ‘satire’ means. Nobody I know does neither. But being smart ain’t nothin’. What’s important is wearing overalls, no shoes, playing a banjo, and drinkin’ moonshine – that takes real skill to pull that off without being laughed at.
Our boys are really good this year. Coach Tony is like a God to us. Back when that fat guy was our coach we weren’t worth a warm bucket of spit.
Our pitchers are really good. So are our hitters. We steal a lot of bases, move runners over, and really, really, really take advantage of walks and errors by the other team. We are a scrappy bunch.
We all like Coach Tony ‘cause he is hot, hot, hot. He’s got that beard that looks like you half-way shave every morning. Our students love that especially since most of them are sissified and don’t even shave yet. Most of our big fans never shave.
Vanderbilt is our little brother. That means we bully him, hit him, sit on top of him and tease him, and just make his life miserable. We have been doing this like forever. We don't like polo shirts or deck shoes and we never drink cocktails. They have about 100 total fans. We have 100 million. Our football stadium is huge! We won the national championship in football recently! Orange is way better than black. It’s cheaper, too, cause we just bring home the clothes we wore last time we were doing road work. That saves a lot of money which is good given that most of us are unemployed.
Vandy is just a bunch of punks. They cheat by giving every one of their players a free ride. We don’t cheat except in basketball and football but we do give every baseball player something to ride. That ain’t cheatin’ – that’s just bein’ smart.
We don’t worry about Kumar or Leiter. They are just lucky. Y’all haven’t really played anybody good but we have. We beat LSU in all three games!
Vanderbilt will not even come close to winning a single game this weekend.”
